Discussion When is divorce ok?

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Cutter Masterson, Mar 16, 2023.

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Divorce

  1. Stay

    9.4%
  2. Leave

    12.5%
  3. Depends

    78.1%
  1. Shizukani

    Shizukani Chronically stressed

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    Huh... Now I'm beginning to read too much into it. :hmm: More likely than not, there would be psychological or even physical issues with her OR with him. But leaving cause of this feels like just bailing out for me you know? What if she's actually sick? Would that be considered?

    Again, why did you even marry in the first place? Marriage should not be just because of intimacy. I also agree on above post that divorce is never "OKAY". Of course if it was up to me, divorce should only be allowed if it's literally a matter of life and death(physically and/or emotionally). Figure it out with the least damage people come on. In my opinion, would I think he's selfish if he divorces for that reason? Yes, I would absolutely think it is selfish. Unless... :hmm: Again, if it's a matter of life and death for HIM. Who knows? We all have different upbringing right. :blobsip:
     
  2. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    This is all hypothetical.
    I can see the fear of never being able to embrace anyone ever again. To never know a kiss for the rest of his life. This is not at the point where he has only few years to live, but decades to live in this existence.
    Is it selfish to want to be happy…
     
  3. Deleted member 504622

    Deleted member 504622 Guest

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    I always sensed when my parents had issues in their marriage, but they never showed it. They married young, too, so the possibility of them separating was high. I wouldn't be here if they did. What they always show is their partnership, understanding, and contentment, and we, four boys, grew up to emulate the same values they held throughout their marriage. They are to celebrate their sapphire anniversary in July.

    To be married is to make certain sacrifices that you sometimes never wanted to make, even sacrificing one's personal needs. Over time this is replaced by other forms of happiness. For instance, seeing your children grow healthy, graduate from college, or have a successful and stable career. Knowing you brought up decent human beings. This is what it means to be married. If this is not understood, why decide on marriage in the first place? In some cases, divorce may be necessary, but to consider it for the reasons of growing apart and a lack of intimacy for the rest of their lives, it's not worth the separation.

    Family is the foundation of the children's identity; for them to see that crumbling because of the said factors is too shallow and too great a risk for their well-being.

    In any case, I second this:
    Divorce is a very touchy subject and is only intended for adult discussion. This must be discussed between the husband and wife.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2023
  4. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    Don’t worry the group here are not the only people I’m asking. I have talk to specialists and both parties. I just want to make sure I got this right even after the children become adults and move on. Either with school, career or whatever. They should stay together. Even with no intimacy.
    I’m sorry. When I think about all those children not getting any signs of love (intimacy) and still turning out ok seems a little questionable. Sounds like a toxic environment or relationship. Can a person survive without love? Especially decades of no deep affection.
    I’m sorry. It does seem impossible. I can see people crack under that kind of pressure. Especially if you don’t see your kids for years…
     
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  5. ludagad

    ludagad Addicted to escapist novels

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    In such cases, it could also be a medical condition, especially for women who've given birth. I hope her doctor didn't add a "husband stitch" after her birth, cause that might be a contributing factor, ew. She should go check things out anyway. Especially if she still loves her husband. If it's not medical, then try counseling, if there's still love and respect among them, to find out what's caused this. If there's no helping it, the husband is free to divorce and pursue intimacy and love outside as long as he's responsible for the family. It's not like those 20 years cease to exist after a divorce. But life is short and you only get to live it once, so he should still be able to seek self-fulfillment. I feel bad for both of them.
     
  6. Shizukani

    Shizukani Chronically stressed

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    Haha yes, well, it is selfish (in my book) if that "happiness" can potentially damage somebody (never too old to be hurt by your parents divorcing btw also, your wife may or may not be hurt too depending on the circumstances but it is likely that she will blame it all on herself).

    Also, this is hypothetical, true, but it's just very hard to consider without involving some aspect of it right? Like the repercussions and the causes of this issue in the first place. That's why I voted it depends. Who knows maybe someone out there will actually die if they don't get this level of intimacy (no sarcasm I promise) and if that's the case, then go ahead and do the selfish thing. Just take responsibility for it of course. So yeah, cause if I don't consider anything at all, then my answer would be a simple no. Divorcing is not okay.
     
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  7. Lurking

    Lurking Do the dead suffer, or is it a sweet release?

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    upload_2023-3-20_16-1-38.png

    Okay. I am not a pro. It's good that your friend is seeking professionals.

    Sex is important, and sometimes its just not a thing that happens. Both of these are true.

    Look at other reasons for the marriage. We have the kids. Are there other reasons to stay married, other reasons why these people got married?

    Are these two people friends who are able to talk about their problems?

    Also don't forget about unofficial/official seperation. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/legal-separation-vs-divorce/

    upload_2023-3-20_16-4-16.png

    Personally, my stepdad seperated from his ex for a few years before he divorced his wife/started dating my mom. My step brothers still lost their chill for us kids and my mom (long term friends of the family) although as adults they were apparently only mad at their dad.

    If the only reason to stay together is the kids... try unofficial seperation, get seperate bedrooms, be roommates for a bit and talk again, be roommates who are also cooperative parents for the kids.

    The kids have no involvement in these peoples arguments, the kids are never at fault in a divorce/potential relationship problems. The kids seem to already be a priority, that is good. Keep taking care of them well and things should go well.

    My birth father involved the kids in his relationship issues. All his kids hate him/ are neutral at best. My step dad didn't involve his kids in the relationship issues, he has a good relationship with them and after my mom died and things I wasn't privy to happened he is now back together with his ex.

    They seem to be doing alright.
     
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  8. Lovelybutter

    Lovelybutter The loveliest butter

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    In every divorce… There are people affected whether its the kids, the people divorcing, the parents of those divorcing, the friends, even non-humans get affected like the dogs, the cats….Like you know, who keeps the pets when you divorce..The properties who keeps what.. Like if you both are a die hard fan of mario..

    Bob: I keep the mario figurine.. Angela: Fine! I wanted that, but ill get the princess peach one..instead..

    Anyways to answer your question, i dont know..I just wanted to mention the mario part..
     
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  9. eyosi

    eyosi Active Member

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    Honestly, feeling like you and your partner are growing apart after years together is pretty common, and it's tough when things like intimacy start to dwindle. I've been there, wondering if divorce was the next step. I even chatted with these divorce legal experts to see what it would involve and realized it might not be the answer for me. Those talks helped a lot, especially since they were discreet and online, so I could think things through on my own. If you're really considering it, maybe talking to them could help you too.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2024
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  10. nivifer

    nivifer Well-Known Member

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    Always.

    You are not obligated to stay in a relationship, regardless if there are children involved. Staying together for the sake of children will only breed resentment in the long run, you must keep in mind as a parent that your children are more observant than you think and can pick up on lack of emotion/tension/etc, that you may have towards your spouse and staying in the relationship will signal to your children that it is okay to stay in a loveless relationship regardless of how it may impact your mental well-being. Do you want your children to look to your marriage as a standard for their own future relationships?

    As a child of divorced parents, nothing really changed much. I still got to spend time with either parent as I pleased; we just didn't all live in the same house anymore, divorce doesn't often have the impact people believe it does on children. The children may be sad, but ultimately, it is good in the long run.
     
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  11. mir

    mir Well-Known Member

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    Yes, it has an effect. Speaking from experience. I was told directly. Makes you feel like a big burden and like you're partly responsible for any unhappiness you see. Can cause you to push down your own emotions to try to make parents happy, because you feel responsible. This explodes later, one way or another.
    Found out later 'the kids' weren't the real reason, just turbulent emotions, etc. The kids are all grown and they are still together. Don't know their real reasons, since that is private.
    Not sure exactly how this is impacting my current relationship. Hoping there's none, but it's hard to tell these things from the inside.
     
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  12. nivifer

    nivifer Well-Known Member

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    Divorce does have an effect on children, I agree but to the extent that it damages them? Hardly, at the very least, you're teaching them that it is okay to leave a relationship that you don't feel loved or appreciated in, that they're not obligated to stay. Parents that put the burden on their children are, simply put, bad at parenting. A child is never responsible for the actions of the adults around them, to make them feel they are, well, that just makes you a shit adult, doesn't it.
     
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  13. Psy0

    Psy0 Well-Known Member

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    Divorce. It is considered a traumatic separation. Even the most congenial divorce is traumatic to those involved and those related to them. Even if the kids are adults now, divorced parents will still create traumas for them.

    When to consider divorce? It’s when you want a legal barrier between your relationships. Remember, divorce is a legal proceeding. If you only needed to live separately and still be friends, that’s called a separation and not divorce.

    When to leave or start divorce is different for everyone. There is no one correct answer.
     
  14. Kuroihagane

    Kuroihagane Investi-gathor

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    sounds like someone just got bored of their spouse lmao
     
  15. Alisoa

    Alisoa † The fallen Saint †

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    I can't understand this...how did they get married in the first place?? How did they make the kids???
     
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  16. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    It hasn’t always been this way. Just over time it got worse. With me thinking things will get better, but never does. And her health getting worse and worse. We’ve been together for over 20 years. I’m not bored as the previous poster said, but I don’t want to live the life of a Priest and be celibate
     
  17. Alisoa

    Alisoa † The fallen Saint †

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    I'm the type to believe that marriage isn't all about love or intimacy, it is more of a commitement, and I am tbh very serious and think highly of vows.

    I wasn't planning on replying with a moral filled text but, you mentioned that it is a health issue, so, I'm a bit angry. No one wants to be sick, no one. I am someone who almost spend all their days at the hospitals, I've seen many things, and I can say for sure that the most touching thing is a husband taking care of their wife and vis versa. It is disgusting to see peoples who are married but never even once received a visit from their partner. In my opinion, it is a cowardly to leave her because of "health issues", real men battle against life and don't run away. Is it some organic disease? go to a doctor/gyneco. A psychiatric disease? go see a psychiatrist.

    Now try putting yourself in her place, imagine: you having health issues, be it the mind or the body, and your partner is asking around if divorce is the solution.

    I may be a bit harsh but please think about it. (in case it is related to health ofc)
     
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  18. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    No. You’re not wrong. I battle with that thought all the time. If I was that type of man. I would have left over ten years ago, but I stay because I still love her. I just feel trapped. I don’t think it’s wrong to want some intimacy. When you can’t even kiss because of medical reason. I can’t help, but feel unloved. Things people take for granted. I only wish I could have. Yet here I am. Forever set in this life. Don’t mind me I’m just pitting myself
     
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  19. Kelsealoufromkalamazoo

    Kelsealoufromkalamazoo [The Luckiest Sunfish]

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    Divorce is good when a couple is hurting each other and the people around them because of their broken relationship. You can’t always fix what’s broken, and it’s good when they realize that
     
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