As per the title, I wrote this for my creative writing class. I've shown it to a few people but I wanted to get some more feedback on it. It's just a little oneshot/short story. We were suppose to focus on characterization for it so I tried to do that. Any and all criticism/critque is welcomed! just don't be mean about it She lost her lip gloss. It was a little thing. Something that could be easily replaced with pocket money. But still, she liked that particular lip gloss. It was cheap, grainy, and the color was a plain muted pink. It wasn’t spectacular, and she could get a much better one at any drugstore. Yet she still liked it. Loved it even. She knew what to expect from it and how to use it. She did not know what to expect or how to use any other. She’d been buying it since she was a teenager, and being a woman of habit, never even tried another. She looked around where she was- a train station. Her train was coming in at, according to the sign, 34 minutes. She didn’t have much time. She thought of the last place she had used it, in an iffy motel a few days ago. She knew that meant that she had probably lost it, or left it alone, a while ago, but the process of grief did not allow her to give up hope. She got up from the bench she had been sitting on, and put her book, Nomads in archaeology, back in her bag. At first, she just rummaged around more in there. Maybe she had just misremembered which pocket she had put it in? However, a thorough search proved that wrong. She even got down on the gross, dirty, floor to check under the bench. She almost retched doing so. With her hands on that cold and sticky pile of stains, she could say that it was also not there. (The floor was actually very clean. She was getting on an expensive overnight train, first class. Of course the station would be at least passable. However her fear of germs dissuaded her logic.) Getting up, she then proceeded to everywhere she had been in the train station. She went back to the entrance and followed her path. She remembered it, as she had to step only on the blue tiles. The white ones were bad, they hated her. If she stepped on one she’d surely die. She even went as far as to go back to the bathroom. It was not in there, and she had to wash her hands 8 times before leaving. She ended up back on the bench. She felt like crying. She looked back up to the sign, 4 minutes until her train got here. Of course it was 4 minutes. The number 4 is disgusting, unlucky, deathly. It hates her. It’s mocking her and her lost lip gloss. Deep down, she knows all of her rituals and beliefs are fake. Just a product of her ouroboros head repeating what it knows. But she cannot help but to succumb to them. Everything is too stressful and sad. She needs something else to focus on. Something else to control. While in her lost lip gloss leirness, she realizes that her train has finally come. Everyone is beginning to file on. She sorts through her bag and finds her ticket and then gets in line. Everything after that was a bit of a blur for her. She got on the train, got to her solo compartment, her ticket got stabbed and then, after about 15 minutes the train jolted out of it’s stillness. The train’s movement is what made her think again. She realized that she should try to distract herself, at least. For a second she considered getting out her book again, to read about her nomadic ancestors, but decided against it. She didn’t feel like reading. She ended up getting her wallet out and counting how much money she had left. For where she was going, it should be more than enough. She might indulge herself and get an actual hotel room, rather than a gross motel or hostel. When the train ride ended and she finally arrived in the town, she’d have to stolk up a bit on supplies, and maybe get some things that could be bartered or traded with. Most people after she left it wouldn’t have much use for money, so it was practically worthless to even keep any. Hopefully though, if she remembered anything her father had taught her, she wouldn’t have to barter or trade. She adjusted her sitting position, to get more comfortable, and maybe read. But suddenly, with her foot, felt something. Something cylindrical. She looked down, and sure enough, it was lip gloss. She picked it up. It was the same brand, the same shade, and even had the same expiration date. What an amazing moment of serendipity. She turned the tube around in her hands. After looking at it though, it was not her lip gloss. Her lip gloss had a red smear of nail polish on it from when her little sister had used it without considering her wet nails. This one had none, and also was much more full then hers had been. She thought about how dirty it was. How it could have numerous diseases infected onto it. Rabies, mono, herpes, even HIV. It disgusted her to even just hold it. Any sane person would throw it away, back under the seats where it came from. She wanted to go wash her hands. However she did none of that. She reached into her bag, and pulled out a small pocket mirror. She opened the mirror, and then she uncorked the lid of her new lip gloss and began to apply it.
Simple and direct, not much plot and nonsense, just clearly showing the character's dilemma, the process of going from attachment and loyalty to just satisfying her need ignoring her reason and logic, a person's values and hypocrisy for a lipstick, yes, this is quite a neat story for a oneshot story for a creative writing, at least, this is only my opinion XD
Yes! I was going for that. She's not a self insert but I based some of her complusions/intrusive thoughts on mine . For example, the number she hates (it scares me so much I don't even like typing it out -_-)
That was very interesting to read. I also love how you were given the freedom to write. In most creative writing classes I took, they constantly had the same prompt of 'Writing yourself/describe life as an inanimate object", and it's not that it is a bad prompt it's just repetitive and dry now. But this was very fun to read. :]
Thank you! I'm really happy it was a fun read. And also I can't believe that! I feel like if I had to write about something so specfic it would take out all the fun. My teacher does give us prompts but they're very open and allow for a lot of creativity (I think the one for this one was something like "write about a character in a crisis and how they react"). Plus I'm pretty sure she only does that for people that get stuck, and we're allowed to not follow them if we don't want to lol.
Since you're probably going to submit this, I'll point out some minor mistakes. I'm not an English expert so, sorry if I'm wrong. What's leirness? Also, isn't it supposed be 'While lost in her..'? stock? This sentence just flew over my head. Also, does it require 'For' at the beginning?
Oh thank you for pointing out my spelling mistakes! For the first one, I meant leariness (although looking it up, leery doesn't have the definition that I thought it did (￣ー￣；.) And I meant lost to be an adjective for lip gloss. So she's leary because of her lost lip gloss. I don't know really know how to explain it, but its what I meant. I can totally see how it might come off as confusing/wrong though. For the second one I did totally mean stock there as well. The sentence is suppose to mean that after she leaves that town, people won't really need money, so she should spend it all. And I don't think it would need a for at beginninng? I could be wrong, but to me it just sounds a bit redundant/unnecessary. However, I do get why you might be confused at that sentence. I might word it differently. Again thank you for pointing all of that stuff out! (*ゝω・)ﾉ
more of like, she's ocd but the lipstick is like a drug, she needs it so terribly that she doesn't mind everything dirty about it
I wouldn't call that OCD but some kind of addiction, a true OCD wouldn't pick the lipstick from the ground in the first place XD