So, I have a dramatic friend who started liking anime 3 months ago. I'm pretty sure she only got into it because other people like it. She started calling herself a weeb after watching the first season of Naruto..... I was already cringing at her at that point but I still decided to keep it to myself because I knew she would've started pointless drama with me. I'm actually a somewhat toxic weeb. But, because she's my friend, I don't say anything about it and don't talk shit about her. However, a few days ago, she said that she started learning how to speak Japanese..... I was cringing so much I couldn't help but say ew. I thought that wouldn't bother her since I often make slightly offensive jokes. All my friends know that when I make a slightly offensive joke, I don't have any bad intentions. But for some reason she thinks I'm making fun of her, so she started a pointless drama with me a day ago. I don't really remember doing anything wrong before that. I don't know why she got so offended. She's not talking to me anymore and it's honestly just making me want to stop being friends with her... I think she has an inferiority complex because whenever I'm better at something than her or when I know more than her at a topic she always tries to surpass me .When I asked her why she was learning Japanese it was because she wanted to do something productive on her laptop. I often say stupid shit like "Ore wa ochinchin ga daisuki nandayo" and say random weeb phrases as a joke. A few months ago when she found out that I was a high rank in a certain mobile game she started spending hours on it trying to surpass me. Last year when I told her I was learning how to play the piano she asked her brother to teach her. It's so obvious she's always trying to surpass me in everything I do but nobody ever notices. I don't talk about it to people I'm friends with because they'd probably think I was talking shit about her behind her back. Earlier this year I broke a friendship of mine. I know my mistakes but I will never say sorry to that exfriend. She called for a "truce" and I believed her, but later I found out that she continued to talk shit about me. Nobody told me anything and people still think she did nothing wrong, so of course I don't trust any of them. I can't tell any of my family members either because I'm not close with any of them and most of them dislike me. Does anyone have any advice on what to do with my toxic friend? Or at least have an idea on how to end the drama? Thanks~
As I have gotten older, I find that time and energy are both valuable and precious. If you don’t enjoy someone’s company, then save your time and energy for other things. No need to be boorish or aggressive, just spend your time elsewhere. My sage advice is: Don’t necessarily ghost them, just be honest and let them know you have grown apart. Assure them there is no animosity, but you would simply prefer to save your time and energy for a more mutually rewarding friendship. Continue to be civil in shared environments, but don’t put the effort in to be friendly if a friendship is no longer desired.
You are, by self-admission, toxic, and you also happen to think she's toxic. No wonder your friendship is strained... likes repel.
Have you ever asked her why she tried to learn the things you liked? The first thought I had when I read these descriptions is that rather than being in a competitive relation with you, she genuinely want to be friend with you. And maybe, she doesn't learn the piano because she wants to show off but because she wants to have something in common with you. If that assumption is correct, then rather than mockery, she expects praise from you. Which could be why she was hurt and stopped talking to you.
Not to be rude, but I'm pretty sure she's just living her life. I tend to copy my peers' interest mainly cause I found it intriguing, not to outdo them. As for the animosity between you two, its simply because you don't like each other. I have a "friend" that I've known for three years and I flat out don't like her. Thats it! We just didn't talk. We knew we didn't fit together and didn't try to force it when we had to go our seperate ways. As for her shit talking you. Well, aren't you shit talking her right now? Though, in a possible lesser and unemphasized way. Either way, its clearly not healthy and I don't see the point in continuing that relationship, especially if you supposedly ended it.
Ah youth, how envious. Relationship is a matter of give and take. If you don't think it's worth it, then just cut it off.
If I don't like a person, I think I convince myself that we were never friends in the first place. Sounds to me like you were never friends with them either.
I agree with you here. Of course, if she's not doing it to get closer, then she's most likely the kind of person that isn't that necessary as a friend. However, if she is doing it to get closer to you and maybe even out of adoration, then there may not be many people that are willing to chase a person so far just to connect, which may by itself be valuable.
@Ner0 shared a good perspective. I think you should try communicating and just talk things out. It's better to clarify so you can at least avoid misunderstandings that would bug you later in life. If this friendship does not work then you have to unfortunately end it. I'm sure there are instances where toxic friendship can turn into a genuine one but if you cannot let go of your doubt then by all means, carry on with your life and this toxic friend of yours should carry on too. It might be difficult, especially if you share the same group of friends but I hope you guys outgrow this phase.
Question: Did your friend watched Naruto subbed or dubbed? Does your friend know the definition of weeb? [Since she was brought into this, she may have a different connotation/definition from you.] Let your friend learn Japanese eventually she will not like learning it or maybe be fluent to be a translator for Japanese light novel. [I’ve been told that knowing another language is good for resume.] I can’t comment on the ‘competition’ since I do not know the both of you personally. People see, feel, and think differently. If you feel comfortable/threatened, then tell her about your discomfort. Otherwise, let her do her thing and you do your own thing.
Did you make it clear that all your jokes about her were just jokes? You can't always expect others to always understand what you say and do without explaining it to them. Also, you say you don't understand why she got so offended? If that's the case, then ask her why, only then can you try to fix misunderstandings. While you're at it, tell her what you feel about the things she does, maybe she herself isn't aware that it's making you uncomfortable. I doubt anyone would bother on playing a game to surpass another person for the sole sake of being better than them, unless there's some sort of grudge or something, which doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe she just wanted to be in your company? If you want to know the reason, ask her about it. Same goes for the piano thing. "It's so obvious that she's trying to surpass me." Like my previous advices, ask her why. There must be a reason as to why she does the things she does, don't make preliminary conjectures solely based on your own understanding/perspective. This isn't solely about you. If there really is some sort of problem between the both of you that you can't fix or at least won't try to fix, I recommend just honestly cutting yourself from them. Don't start unnecessary drama that would result in some form of bad blood, just maturely stop interacting with them.
Many commenters above have given sensible and sensitive advices. So hon, now let me be blunt. I sincerely suggest you to stop being so toxic in general, before someone slap you in the face or decided to stab you in the back. Why? Cause people secretly always wants to strangle them. As they say, quid pro quo. If you're spewing poison, be prepared to receive one in kind. And by the by.. an offensive joke is termed as offensive because it is meant to sting and hurt. You brandish it, then you gotta accept the consequences if you're not sensitive enough to the circumstances. That friend of yours getting hurt after being the butt of your offensive joke? completely understandable.
Ahm I don't know how to phrase this without sounding offensive.. but I think instead of keeping those thoughts about her to yourself, and letting it foster negatively.. you should have talk it out with her. Communication is very important in friendship. From what I can see, maybe your friend does not really want to compete with you.. but study the same interest as you have to get along better with you? Its also like that in my circle of friends. I have this friend who was addicted at KPOP.. and as a result, some also copy and follow her. But instead of straining our friendship, in fact it makes the group closer and more lively. You know.. sharing the same interest lifts up spirit at times too.. Woops. Sorry, that might not be the same case with you since I don't really know you and your friend. But what I just wanted to say was that, maybe you could still talk it out? I remember this quote from a story I've read here in NU. It says: “If they still care enough to bicker, then there’s still hope for them to reconcile. If a day comes when they both have no words to say to one another, then it would be time for their relationship to end.” If it won't be solved by talking, then I guess that's really the time for your friendship to end? It's really stressful having toxic friendship. Hope you get over with that.
the fact that you're willing to just end your friendship with her for some superficial reasons like these makes me think you never really liked her that much in the first place if neither of you value your friendship enough to put in the effort needed to mend and maintain your friendship, there's not really any point in being "friends"